| <The Saturday Review December 5, 1868>
| <Feminine Amenities>
| <pb n="743">
| A man's foes are those of his on household, and the keenest 
| enemies of women are women themselves.  
| <reg orig="No one"> No-one </reg> can inflict 
| such humiliation on a 
| woman as a woman can when she chooses; for if the art of 
| high-handed snubbing belongs to men, that of subtle 
| wounding is peculiarly feminine, and is practised by the 
| best-bred of the sex.  Women are always more or less 
| antagonistic to each other.  They are gregarious in fashions 
| and emulative in follies, but they cannot combine; they 
| never support their weak sisters; they shrink from those 
| who are stronger than the average; and if they would speak 
| the truth boldly, they would confess to a radical contempt 
| for each other's intellect, which perhaps is the real reason 
| why the sect of the <p> "emancipated" </p> commands so 
| small a following.  Half a dozen ordinary men advocating 
| <p> "emancipation" </p> doctrines would do more towards 
| leavening the whole bulk of womankind than any number 
| of first-class women.  Where they do stand by each other it 
| is from instinctive or personal affection, rather than from 
| class solidarity.  And this is one of the most striking 
| distinctions of sex, and one cause, among men; the 
| feminine characteristic of exaggeration making a gap which 
| the medium or average man fills.  The ways of women with 
| each other more than all else show the great difference 
| between their <hi rend="italic"> morale </hi> and that of 
| men.  They flatter and coax as man could not do, but they 
| are also more rude to each other than any man would be to 
| his fellow.  It is amazing to see the things they can do and 
| which no man would dare to attempt.  This is because they 
| are not taught to respect each other, and because they have 
| no fear of consequences.  If one woman is insulted by 
| another, she cannot demand satisfaction or knock the 
| offender down, and it is unladylike to swear and call 
| names.  She must bear what she can repay only in kind; but, 
| to do her justice, she repays in a manner undeniably 
| effective and to the point.  There is nothing very 
| pronounced about the feminine mode of aggression and 
| retaliation, and yet it is eloquent, and sufficient for its 
| purpose.  It may be only a stare, a shrug, a toss of the head; 
| but women can throw an intensity of disdain into the 
| simplest gesture which
| <pb n="744">
| answers the whole end perfectly.  The unabashed serenity 
| and unflinching constancy with which one woman can stare 
| down another is in itself an art that requires a certain 
| amount of natural genius, as well as careful cultivation.  
| She puts up her eyeglass ~~ not being shortsighted ~~ and 
| surveys the enemy standing two feet from her, with a 
| sublime contempt for her whole condition, or with a still 
| more sublime ignoring of her existence altogether, that no 
| words could give.  If the enemy is sensitive and unused to 
| the kind of thing, she is absolutely crushed, destroyed for 
| the time, and reduced to the most pitiable state of 
| self-abasement.  If she is of a tougher fibre, and has had some 
| experience of feminine warfare, she returns the stare with a 
| corresponding amount of contempt or of obliviousness; and 
| from that moment a contest is begun which never ceases, 
| and which continually gains in bitterness.  The stare is the 
| weapon of offence most in use among women, and is 
| specially favoured by the experienced against the younger 
| and less seasoned.  It is one of the instinctive arms native to 
| the sex, and we have only to watch the introduction of two 
| girls to each other to see this, and to learn how even in 
| youth is begun the exercise which time and use raise to 
| such deadly perfection.
| In the conversations of women with each other we again 
| meet with examples of their peculiar amenities to their own 
| sex.  They never refrain from showing how much they are 
| bored; they contradict flatly, without the flimsiest veil of 
| apology to hide their rudeness; and they interrupt 
| ruthlessly, whatever the subject in hand may be.  One lady 
| was giving another a minute account of how the bride 
| looked yesterday when she was married to Mr. A., of 
| somewhat formidable repute, and with whom, if report was 
| to be trusted, her listener had had sundry tender passages 
| which made the mention of his marriage a notoriously sore 
| subject.  <q> </q>, said the tortured listener brusquely, 
| breaking into the narrative without a lead of any kind; and 
| the speaker was silenced.  In this case it was the 
| interchange of doubtful courtesies, wherein neither 
| deserved pity; but to make a disparaging remark about a 
| gown, in revenge for turning the knife in a wound, was a 
| thoroughly feminine manner of retaliation, and one that 
| would not have touched a man.  Such shafts would fall 
| blunted against the rugged skin of the coarser creature; and 
| the date or pattern of a bit of cloth would not have told 
| much against the loss of a lover.  But as most women 
| passionately care for dress, their toilet is one of their most 
| vulnerable parts.  Ashamed to be unfashionable, they 
| tolerate anything in each other rather than shabbiness or 
| eccentricity, even when picturesque; hence a sarcastic 
| allusion to the age of a few yards of silk is a return wound 
| of considerable depth when cleverly given.
| The introduction of the womankind belonging to a 
| favourite male acquaintance of lower social condition 
| affords a splendid opportunity for the display of feminine 
| amenity.  The presentation cannot be refused, yet it is 
| resented as an intrusion; and the smaller woman is made to 
| feel that she has offended.  <q> </q>, a peeress said 
| disdainfully to a commoner whom personally she liked, but 
| whose family she did not want to know.  The poor man had 
| but two, and this was the introduction of the second.  Very 
| painful to a high-spirited gentlewoman must be the way in 
| which a superior creature of this kind receives her, if not of 
| the same set as herself.  The husband of the inferior 
| creature may be <p> "adored," </p> as men are adored by 
| fashionable women who love only themselves, and care 
| only for their own pleasures.  Artist, man of letters, <?> 
| <?>, he is the passing idol, the temporary toy of a certain 
| circle; and his wife has to be tolerated for his sake, and 
| because she is a lady and fit to be presented, though an 
| outsider.  So they patronize her till the poor woman's blood 
| is on fire, or they snub her till she has no moral consistency 
| left in her, and is reduced to a mere mass of pulp.  They 
| keep her in another room while they talk to their intimates; 
| or they admit her into their circle, where she is made feel 
| like a Gentile among the faithful, where either they leave 
| her unspoken to altogether, or else speak to her on subjects 
| quite apart from the general conversation, as if she was 
| incapable of understanding them on their own ground.  
| They ask her to dinner without her husband, and take care 
| that there is <reg orig="no one"> no-one </reg> to meet her 
| whom she would like to see; but they ask him when they 
| are at their grandest, and express their deep regret that his 
| wife (uninvited) cannot accompany him.  They know every 
| turn and twist that can humiliate her if she has pretensions 
| which they choose to demolish.  They praise her toilet for 
| its good taste in simplicity, when she thinks she is one of 
| the finest on an occasion on which <reg orig="no one"> 
| no-one </reg> can be too fine; they tell her that pattern of 
| hers is perfect, and made just like the dear duchess's 
| famous dress last season, when she believes that she has 
| Madame Josephine's last, freshly imported from Paris; they 
| celebrate her dinner as the very perfection of a refined 
| family dinner without parade or cost, though it has all been 
| had from the crack confectioner's, and though the bill for 
| the entertainment will cause man a day of family pinching.  
| These are the things which women say to one another when 
| they wish to pain and humiliate, and which pain and 
| humiliate some more than would a positive disgrace.  For 
| some women are distressingly sensitive about these little 
| matters.  Their lives are made up of trifles, and a failure in 
| a trifle is a failure in their object of life.
| Women can do each other no end of despite in a small way 
| in society, not to speak of mischief of a graver kind.  A 
| hostess who has a grudge against one of her guests can 
| always ensure her a disappointing evening under cover of 
| doing her supreme honour and paying her extra attention.  
| If she sees the enemy engaged in a pleasant conversation 
| with one of the male stars, down she swoops, and in the 
| sweetest manner possible carries her off to another part of 
| the room, to introduce her to some school-girl who can 
| only say yes or no in the wrong places ~~ <q> </q>; or to 
| some unfledged stripling who blushes and grows hot and 
| cannot stammer out two consecutive sentences, but who is 
| presented as a rising genius, and to be treated with the 
| consideration due to his future.  As her persecution is done 
| under the guise of extra friendliness, the poor victim cannot 
| cry out, nor yet resist; but she knows that whenever she 
| goes to Mrs. So and So's she will be seated next the 
| stupidest man at table, and prevented from talking to 
| <reg orig="any one"> anyone </reg> she likes in the evening; 
| and that every visit to that lady is made in some occult 
| manner unpleasant to her.  And yet what has she to 
| complain of?  She cannot complain that her hostess trusts to 
| her for help in the success of her entertainment, and moves 
| her about the room as a perambulating attraction which she 
| has to dispense fairly among her guests, lest some should 
| be jealous of the others.  She may know that the meaning is 
| to annoy; but who can act on meaning as against manner?  
| How crooked soever the first may be, if the last is straight 
| the case falls to the ground, and there is no room for 
| remonstrance.
| Often women flirt as much to annoy other women as to 
| attract men or amuse themselves.  If a wife has crossed 
| swords with a friend, and the husband is in any way 
| endurable, let her look out for retaliation.  The woman she 
| has offended will take her revenge by flirting more or less 
| openly with the husband, all the while loading the enemy 
| with flattery if she is afraid of her, or snubbing her without 
| much disguise if she feels herself the stronger.  The wife 
| cannot help herself, unless things go too far for public 
| patience.  A jealous woman without proof is the butt of her 
| society, and brings the whole world of women like a nest of 
| wasps about her ears.  If she is wise, she will fret; if 
| vindictive, she will repay.  Nine times out of ten she does 
| the last, and, may be, with interest; and so goes on the duel, 
| though all the time the fighters appear to be most intimate 
| friends, and on the best possible terms together.  But the 
| range of these feminine amenities is not confined to 
| women; it includes men as well; and women continually 
| take advantage of their position to insult the stronger sex by 
| saying to them things which can be neither answered nor 
| resented.  A woman can insinuate that you have just 
| cheated at cards, with the quietest face and the gentlest 
| voice imaginable; she can give you the lie direct as coolly 
| as if she was correcting a misprint; and you cannot defend 
| yourself.  To brawl with her would be unpardonable, to 
| contradict her is useless, and the sense of society does not 
| allow you to show here any active displeasure.  In this 
| instance the weaker creature is the stronger, and the most 
| defenceless is the safest.  You have only the rather 
| questionable consolation of knowing that you are not 
| singular in your discomfiture, and that when she has made 
| an end of you she will probably have a turn with your 
| betters, and make them, too, dance to her piping, whether 
| they like the tune or not.  At all events, if she humiliates 
| you she humiliates her sisters still more; and with the 
| knowledge that hardly handled as you have been, others are 
| yet more severely dealt with, you must learn to be content, 
| and to practise a grim kind of patience as well as nature 
| will permit.